“Thank You,” “You’re Welcome” and “I’m Sorry”: Awesomeness Chapter 17
My Third Recommendation for Relationships
Anyone familiar with corporate lingo these days has heard of “soft skills.” These are things like communication, cooperation and conflict management. More or less, how good are you at playing nice with others.
It turns out that these skills are very important. As Daniel Goleman—the man who coined the term and concept of “emotional intelligence”—noted,
“When I applied this method to all 181 competence models I had studied, I found that 67 percent—two out of three—of the abilities deemed essential for effective performance were emotional competencies.”1
That kind of thing would certainly include giving first and not arguing, but there’s a very easy way to grease the wheels: politeness.
I’ve found it amazing how different responses can be to the same thing said politely and rudely. Indeed, I’ve said the same thing to the same person on different days and gotten a completely different response. It was all in the way I said it. This is especially true with any sort of criticism. The compliment sandwich—compliment, criticism, compliment—may sound trite, but it’s effective. And it’s even more so if your tone of voice is calm and empathetic.
But the simplest thing to add is nothing more than things like “thank you,” “you’re welcome” and “I’m sorry.” These little phrases go a long way. As Dale Carnegie wrote,
“Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to----?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind” “Thank you” – little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life.”2
There’s of course a lot more to interpersonal relations than this, but it’s a good place to start. I’ve even gone so far as to end virtually every one of my emails and text messages with “thank you” even if I’m not making a request. After all, they did take the time to read it, right? I think I should respect their time and acknowledge this small sacrifice. These little courtesies add up.
And then there’s apologizing. Not many people like to apologize. I know I’m not a fan. But it’s important. Apologizing may feel like showing weakness, but the very fact that it’s uncomfortable means it requires strength and confidence to do.
Marshall Goldman says apologizing is one of the most important and underutilized things that anyone can do in both their career and relationships. And in the end, it’s really not that hard. As he puts it,
“It is easy to do. All you have to do is repeat the words: “I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better.”
“Try it sometime. It costs you nothing—not even your illusory pride—but the return on investment would make Warren Buffett green with envy. And it will change your life, as if by magic.”3
Stephen Covey talks about making deposits and withdrawals to the relationship bank account as we do good and bad things to that person. Well, we all make mistakes. We all hurt people we care about. So, “When you make a withdrawal, apologize and correct the mistake.”4
If we don’t apologize, we leave an open loop, much in the same way we do when we have commitments that we haven’t finished. These commitments end up consuming our willpower as they float around in our mind amidst the dozens of other commitments. GTD is the answer to managing our commitments. Apologizing is the answer to managing our relationships.
Regarding relationships, if there’s no resolution, these withdrawals from the relationship bank account will stay at the top of the other person’s mind, even if it leaves yours. I’m sure you can all remember some slight from many years ago that, despite being rather small, was never resolved and thereby was allowed to linger.
Apologizing may not resolve the issue by itself. Making amends and trying to improve are critical too. But apologizing is the best, nay the only, place to start.
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1 Daniel Goleman, Working with Emotional Intelligence, Bantam Books, Copyright 1998, Pg. 36
2 Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Simon and Schuster Inc., Copyright 1964 Pg. 102
3 Marshall Goldsmith, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, Hachette Books, Copyright 2007, Pg. 140
4 Stephen Covey, “Strengthening Families in Times of Crisis,” Steven R. Covey, http://www.stephencovey.com/blog/?p=37, May 8, 2009
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