This is the full sixth chapter of my book, and first on the subject of fear, from my book Awesomeness: An Amateur Potpourri of a How-To-Guide.
See part 6: Contextualize and Embrace Fear: here.
Honesty
Robert Glover asked a very interesting question that I think is worth pondering,
“Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to change who they are?”[1]
OK, we should all try to change and improve. The provocative point here is about hiding something about ourselves. Why hide something unless we are ashamed of it? Why hide something unless we are afraid of being found out?
One of the biggest, most consistent fears is the fear of being judged, criticized or ridiculed. I would say it’s almost universal in our society. This fear makes us seek out after mediocrity as 1) any sort of risk can lead to failure which can be ridiculed and 2) success or mere uniqueness breeds attention, which can lead to criticism. Indeed, many of us are afraid of being successful. Think about it; try to name even one famous person who isn’t being criticized nearly all of the time.
Accepting that criticism is universal is the first step to overcome this fear, but being honest is also of the utmost importance. Living a life in the shadows creates a sort of paranoia; “what if I get found out?” Furthermore, as Glover noted above, hiding something means you are almost certainly ashamed of it, even if there is no reason to be.
I remember one time I was embarrassed about breaking a chair at a friend’s house. There were multiple people there but no witnesses to this terrible negligence, so I probably could have just swept it under the rug. One of the other guests could have taken the fall. Or it might be left as one of history’s great mysteries. But instead, I mustered up the modicum of courage necessary to admit my grave misdeed. “Meh, whatever” was the response.
Indeed, if people already know whatever it is you are afraid of them finding out, well, then there’s quite obviously nothing to be found out. And thereby, there’s nothing to fear. If you made some mistake, admit it quickly and fully. Generally, people can’t even be bothered to care.
This is not always the case, of course. Sometimes there are consequences. But generally speaking, it is better to accept them (and learn from them) then to live in fear of being discovered. Hiding from others makes it easier to hide from ourselves. And then we just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Most transgressions can be forgiven. And people will generally appreciate the honesty and thereby quicken the process of getting past whatever issue is in question. Indeed, in all likelihood, they’ll figure out whatever you are hiding one way or another.
And if nothing else, research shows that being honest improves your health.[2]
Now obviously there is a point at which such honesty becomes excessive. Nobody wants to hear your full life story; most of it is probably as boring as mine and some of it is kind of gross. But, these aren’t really the things we’re afraid to tell (or would feel any compunction to tell in the first place). It’s our flaws and mistakes that we are afraid of. But all these flaws and mistakes do is signal to other people that we’re just as human as they are. It’s hard to empathize with someone who’s flawless and even harder with someone who merely pretends to be.
In fact, I would once again go even further. Demand that your friends, family, supervisors, colleagues and subordinates give you honest feedback and give it to them as well. Don’t merely accept polite platitudes that allow us to maintain a comfortable and oblivious mediocrity.
Live out loud and the fear will be drowned out by the noise.
[1] Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Barnes and Noble Publishing Inc., Copyright 2003, Pg. 19
[2] “Lying Less Linked to Better Health, New Research Finds”, American Psychological Association, http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2012/08/lying-less.aspx, August 4th, 2012
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